A Mother’s Ache Of Loss

My son had just turned 23, and though he’s an adult on his own, I still can’t let go of the worry that wrapped around me like an inescapable realm. I hated being this overprotective mom, but what else could I have done? He’d always been a kid to me. The thought of him traveling alone filled me with dread. He always resents me for that. He’d roll his eyes and rant about how overprotective I was, but I knew he’d understand.

“Don’t worry, Mom. I’ll call you as soon as I enter the bus," he said before leaving the home for Kathmandu at 10 in the night. I vividly remember his words because that was the last time I saw him. I am not sure if he called me or if his voice was snatched from me by the silent mode.

Later that morning, a friend of mine called, saying two buses were swept down to the Trisuli River by a landslide. My heart raced as panic set in. Crying, I called my husband, saying it was over. “Our only son is no more," I said, weeping heavily. We rushed to the police station, desperate for any information. The days that followed were a mix of anxiety and grief. The relief we felt when we realized our son wasn’t on the bus was only temporary. The nightmare of the landslide had left its mark on us, but the uncertainty of his whereabouts followed like a shadow.

Two months have passed, and the emptiness in our home feels more profound with every passing day. His photos on the wall still make my eyes wet, so I’ve kept them in a storage room. Is he alive? If not, where is he? We still haven’t been able to say goodbye to him and finally lay him to rest. Still, the thought of a final goodbye remains an unfulfilled promise.

Our home is vast and silent now. It’s just me and my husband left in this cube that once fostered our child. Despite the pain and unanswered questions, I still cling to the hope that he's still out there. Living a new life, perhaps in the shadows of the incident. The hope that he’s still out there is the only solace I can hold onto.

The writer is Darsheel Timalsina, a 15-year-old student from Bharatpur, Chitwan, who’s currently studying in Grade 11 at Little Flower School.