Interpretation of Hallucinations I Experienced

• Birendra Chand

The meeting with SLC friends continued till 2 am, much longer than we had expected. We were five; mixed with food and drinks, talks and gestures, cries and laughter. Finally, we decided to depart. However, me and Laloo had a different thing in our mind. We dropped Manoj at his hotel and departed soon. Quite immediately after a few minutes, I called him back and suggested to go to Pashupati as Mahashivaratri had already begun on this planet.

Laloo came back as soon as he got my call and we rode to Pashupatinath area. It was about 02:30 am and people had already gathered around. We parked our motorbike in one corner, and set off on foot. The mahol was too obsessive, full of crowd and people’s chattering. We entered from the northern gate and walked with helmets in our hand. We saw people roaming, eating, selling goods. When we entered the old temple of Pandava, we saw people in their own world. Many of them were sleeping under the blankets. They gathered around the fire and some started to smoke the pot. The wisp of smoke had surrounded the environment. That time I too thought of taking few puffs. I had experienced smoking cigarette but this time I was tempted to experience the sulpa.

We went directly to the back side of the main temple, near to Mrigasthali. We took some snaps, had tea and enjoyed the moment. Then we returned to the same place searching for the opportunity to indulge in sulpa. Near at the corner, I saw a Baba holding a torch light and I assumed he was carrying a sulpa. My friend said that some guys were sitting around that Baba and enjoying the smoke. I too went and stood in the circle. One guy encouraged me to take some puffs. Impulsively I seized the oppurtunity. It was smoke free at first but when the guy inserted his pointing finger into the notch, the smoke billowed out through my mouth and nose. I passed the sulpa. After few minutes, it was my turn once again. This time I inhaled the smoke through my lips with my hands holding sulpa on top. The smoke hit in the middle of my chest which I clearly felt and passed it to next guy. I couldn’t tell whether I wanted to take more or not but the guy just before me put away the sulpa and gave it to Baba. I asked the guy if it was prepared by Baba and the replied came positive and it was all the way from Kavre. I didn’t care much, as it was all in me now.

But immediately after I said that now I am dizzy, I couldn’t take it longer. I was grasping the helmet and staring at the guy on my left. 

I left the circle and moved near Laloo, sat on the same wooden piece he was sitting near the fire. It was warm. The neighbouring guy moved a bit to make space for me. I sat there without moving and got up after a while. No effect was felt and I was thinking that all is well and everything is going good. I took the view of some distant places, saw people moving in the queues to the temple. The sound of bells ringing, continuous chanting of people. Few minutes later, I joined Laloo again. This time I wanted to sit comfortably, so I told him to organize the wood in such a way that I could sit comfortably. He did as I asked for. I was sitting and standing again and again but I didn’t change my spot near the fire. I was Finding it difficult to take hold of my helmet. Laloo was by my side all this while. Then I joked with him that I am dizzy. Till then I was feeling quite normal. But immediately after I said that now I am dizzy, I couldn’t take it longer. I was grasping the helmet and staring at the guy on my left. His eyes looked vulnerable, a new guy wearing shorts joined around the fire, noise began to faint, and the hallucination started.

I desperately wanted to change my position. I wanted to lie down but instead I leaned towards Laloo. My mind began to perform all types of tricks and I started to speak up my mind. I realized that my mind was thinking at a great speed. Sometimes it was slower and other time faster. In other words, my mind was thinking at three different layers: past, present, and future. The action that just happened would repeat again and again, and ignited confusion about what had happened, what is happening, and what is going to happen.

Once the guy wearing shorts reached near me and pushed the wood into the fire. I watched him so intently that I took account of every move he made. He was exactly moving the wood from right to left. Then he moved back to his own place. But I could not differentiate if it was my dream or not. I asked my friend whether that guy really moved the wood from left to right. He simply answered yes and I confirmed my intelligence. Soon, I found myself amongst the utter silence. I could hear only the sound of continuous ringing of bells faraway. Besides, there was tranquility everywhere. Suddenly the  silence broke and there was chattering sounds all over again. I was amazed with the alternation of silence and the noise so I asked my friend again if it was only me that was experiencing the change in sounds. He laughed and said, ‘oh!  you are under the influence of marijuana now. But that was how I had felt.

I was closely gazing at the guy on my left. He was too familiar that he looked like a boy from my village. I thought that I had talked to him in my mother tongue. But in fact, I hadn’t. Later on, I asked Laloo to make sure whether I had talked to him or not but that again in my imagination that I had asked him. Finally, I talked to him, asked my friend about it, and felt stupid again. Suddenly, sitting around the fire I saw Manoj whom we had already left at his hotel room. I asked Laloo whether Manoj was present there but he clearly reminded we  dropped him earlier that night. That means because of hallucination, I was starting to see the images that were not present and unable to grasp the images that were present.

I felt very difficult sitting in that wood. Now I wanted to lie down so I asked Laloo to look after my helmet, which I was worried for long, and banked my back on Baba’s blanket. I remember he was angry and was telling me not to touch his thing because that was not for me to sleep. I also remember I was joining my hands to him. I meant to make request to him and after a while the request turned into apology. There was a type brawling where the guy in the shorts told to sleep a bit farther. So, I slipped away from his blanket and lie down on the floor. When I closed my eyes, the imagination moved faster. The pictures in my mind began to play tricks, head was falling. Suddenly I woke up and asked my friend whether the Baba had been rough to me. I also asked if I had tried to lean on his blanket or not. Everything was real and then I knew that that night was going to be a rough one.

I waited guarding the helmets. I tried to sleep on the helmets but failed. After a while Laloo appeared but I thought he came back after about 30 minutes. When he came, I asked him if we had walked a long distance or not, but he replied that we were just ten steps away from our original place.

I was very afraid of myself that how long this hallucination might go. In fact, I wanted to be sober and go home quickly to have a sound sleep. But that was not possible because I was at the peak of the hallucination. Perhaps I slept for about an hour but I couldn’t understand what was happening outside. I heard nothing at a time and suddenly I heard everything. Once I heard whistling sound which I thought were the police warning us to move away. When I asked my friend about it, he said it was nothing. I heard people talking about the time. Somebody said it was five in the morning. I asked my friend to confirm it. Then I said to myself that if I sleep this way, it may take multiple hours to come to sense, so it is better to move away from here. So, I decided to move from there. I started to walk. I walked and walked. My friend was following me, guarding me, supporting me. (How he was feeling was out of my mind). After walking almost three temples away, (I was counting them in my mind and I thought it was a good long distance) Laloo showed me a place and asked me if I wanted to leak. There was a guy peeing, I saw him wearing a lungi and I immediately told him that how I could pee in women’s toilet. I also said that I had seen a public toilet outside the gate and I will take a pee there. But I began to have a doubt whether there was or not, earlier I thought I had seen but I couldn’t be sure. There at a chautari, I sat down and my friend told me to wait there till he comes back from toilet. I waited guarding the helmets. I tried to sleep on the helmets but failed. After a while Laloo appeared but I thought he came back after about 30 minutes. When he came, I asked him if we had walked a long distance or not, but he replied that we were just ten steps away from our original place.

Then we moved on again. It was dawn and crowd were getting thicker. We were stuck at one gate where many people were coming in and we were going out. I thought I was hanging there for about 15 minutes. The time was moving slowly now. One minute was like one hour for me. As soon as we teared off from the narrow gate, I saw the public toilet and I became too much excited. Very soon I told my friend that I am going in. I was extremely happy that now I can freely get relieved.

Once I entered the toilet, yes it was gents, I saw an army personnel waiting outside the door. I thought him as a bodyguard of some VIP who was also under influence like me and sitting in the toilet. I didn’t look at him much and went to the urinal. I remember I stood there for a long time. The reason was that I was feeling it for a long time and next my mind was working so slow that it was the longest time ever in my life I stood at the urinal. I peed and peed, I wondered what was happening… it never stopped. When I looked around, I saw one police personnel. I didn’t care. Simply I gathered myself after I finished and went to the washbasin to wash my hands. I wanted to wash my face as well but I saw one another armed police force (APF) personnel and the faucet was occupied by many other people. So, I simply washed my hands and quit the idea of washing my face. I paid the money once I came out. The money guy was asking me if had done number two, but I said no it was number one. This also proved that I was taking longer time than usual. While paying money, I took all the notes out of my pocket and gave him a ten rupee note and got a five rupee note back. After I put them in my pocket, I forgot whether I had kept them safely or not, I wanted to put my hand back in the pocket and check but then I felt stupid myself. I reached where my friend was waiting for me. He asked why I didn’t wash my face and I told him that I saw army, police and armed police force personnels inside the toilet, and the tap was so crowded that I just washed my hands. I also wanted to make sure whether it was real or just my imagination. So, I told him to go there in and check whether there are such people or not. He went to check. At that point I was too confused myself. I was damn sure that I saw an army guy and a policeman, but about the APF guy, I was not sure. Perhaps it was a picture in my imagination. Or perhaps, even the real thing was like a fiction. What is what? I can’t juxtapose. My friend came and he said yes it was morning time and many officers are there.

We walked towards the parking site. On the way, I told Laloo that today’s trip was worst one and moreover he might have been bored because of my chaotic conversation. I also noted him that the conversation of marijuana smoker is always difficult to interpret because the experience itself is difficult to interpret. I remember one guy who had shared his experience of smoking marijuana. He had told me that after smoking he felt so dizzy that he immediately went to his bed, but while sleeping on his bed, he felt that the bed was sleeping on him. Ha! It was a hell of a description. Today I experienced myself the huge turmoil inside my mind and realized the point. Soon we reached at the parking place.

I was trying to convince myself that I could ride my motorcycle. However, the giddiness was so high that I was afraid.

We were discussing how to go to our respective destinations. I was trying to convince myself that I could ride my motorcycle. However, the giddiness was so high that I was afraid. Once I touched my bike as well but the consequences of riding a motorbike in such condition might be risky, I realized. I requested my friend to wait a little longer. We sat in one corner. I wanted to sit more comfortably. Moreover, I wanted to reach home and sleep. There I saw a restaurant and asked Laloo if it was okay to go and sit there. He refused because wasting our time there could cost us more. Instead, he proposed to drop me on his motorbike. At that condition, I was worried about my bike- who will bring my bike then? So, after thinking a lot, with hard imagination and long sentences, I told Laloo to take me home on my motorbike. By this, me and my bike would be safe but Laloo would suffer because he must come back to the same place to take his motorcycle. Well, finally, he agreed to ride my bike and drop me home. The parking guy was surprised why we were wearing two helmets. He thought that we are trying to steal the helmet. He let us go only when Laloo took off his helmet and left it on his bike.

While riding, I felt that there were no vehicles on the road. Only we were alone riding that way. I was unknown about the speed of the bike as well. I thought it was so very slow. I enquired the same things to my friend but Laloo clarified and continued to drive. I told him to take a turn from the temple to reach my room. But it was still very far away. I just told in case I might forget later. All the blows continued to hit my mind and Laloo drove me home safely. He even helped park the motorcycle in the verandah. I was worried that now he should walk back on a bus but at the same time I was thankful indeed.

The most beautiful thing came into my mind when I lay down on my bed.